Oh, god.
It's a scorpion.
That's it.
All right. I'm getting out of here right now.
Why?
- What's going on? - Nothing.
- This is insane. - What's your problem?
- I just can't do this. - What?
- This! - Why?
- I can't. - Can't what? Loosen up?
Not with you.
I'm sorry i made you have a good time.
You obviously can't handle it.
Why can't you even tell me what your problem is?
I don't care. I give up. I don't even like you anymore.
You're pathetic.
You know, the front door is open.
Where do you think you live, knots landing?
We can't be friends. I'm sorry.
What do you mean, "we can't be friends"?
You just want to shut the entire world out?
Guess what. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere.
You have to leave. I don't have in me what you need.
How do you know what i need?
You don't even know me. You don't know anybody.
- What's wrong with you? - I'm old!
- I'm george burns. - Who's george burns?
I'm uncle fester, i'm andy of mayberry...
mr. Roper, grandpa munster.
- I get it. - Good! Then leave.
What are you so afraid of, huh?
I'm afraid of everything.
- What's "everything"? - I don't know. Everything!
I can't fly.
I can't be in a boat or a train, any transportation.
I can't do that. I don't like being in a car.
I don't take elevators.
Crowded places drive me crazy...
but uncrowded places make me crazy.
I'm afraid of prescription drugs.
They won't do it in front of you. They're going in the back.
There's something wrong with it. They're doing something.
I'm afraid of falling asleep.
I don't even understand the expression.
Why are you falling? Where are you falling?
It's just so...
i don't know.
I always wished i had a button on my neck...
where i could push it and be asleep like a machine...
but i can't...
so i just lay there, and i hate it.
I hate it.
What did i leave out?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
I'm not that crazy about waking up.
You know, there's a lot of people that have a fear of clowns.
Isn't that funny?
See, that doesn't bother me.
I'm afraid of clowns.
Why can't you be like other kids?
Stand in line at clubs, smoke cigars, dance...
experiment with bisexuality.
You know, teenage stuff.
Come on. We're trying somebody new tonight.
Mildred...
i'd like to introduce you to randall harris of the harrises.
Hi, mildred. How are you?
That's a silly question.
She might be a little shy. I don't normally bring guests.
Sure.
Why do you do this?
Energy.
I can feel their energy.
A little bit of a thousand souls.
Come on. It's your turn.
No, not just yet.
Come on. Lie down. Close your eyes.
I love these slacks.
Come on.
Don't do that.
Lie down.
Comin' down.
Close your eyes.
Now what?
Now you start up a conversation.
With whom?
The person you're sitting on.
Can you feel it? Can you feel their energy?
I feel it.
You do?
God, i really do feel it.
Thanks for letting me crash here.
Hey, it's late. No problem.
Welcome.
- Nice house. - Thank you.
So i'm gonna put on some hot tea.
Listen, if you feel that you want to take a shower, just go upstairs.
I have fresh towels.
Make yourself at home.
Great.
Thank you.
Okay, so you're somewhere and you see somebody you know.
What do you say?
I know you.
Hello.
Hey.
All right.
You're in the store. A customer's just tried on a suit.
He looks quite handsome. What do you say?
Hey, dude. Funky stuff, man.
Yeah!
I pray to god that's not it.
You know, in spite of what you're doing...
you should know that you're very beautiful.
You think i'm beautiful?
You want to watch a video or something?
Okay, how 'bout we have a staring contest?
Oh, don't do that with me 'cause i'll kill you.
Fine then. Let's see what you're made of.
Ready?
Go!
You're blinking.
Again.
- Go. - Go!
You want some more tea?
- All right. All right. - Where you going?
I'm going to go for a run.
When i get back, we need to talk. We have to have a little talk.
Don't worry about me. I'll just stay here and go through some drawers.
Save me some time and tell me where you keep the good stuff.
I don't have any good stuff.
- That's sad. - Oh, is it? And you do?
- Yup. - Uh-huh?
Where do you keep yours?
In a box under my bed.
I don't have a box under my bed, and you're the good stuff.
I have a blue foot.
So much stuff, so little time to snoop.
Don't do it!
I have to.
I just have to.
Don't do it.
I have to. Oh, i have to.
Grandma?
Get up!
Hey, help! Somebody, help!
Help me, please! Help!
Please! Please, help!
Hi, i'm patty.
Did randall mention any family at all to you?
No. Why does he need them?
Well, as you probably know, he's had this for a long time.
He's very sick and...
the next few days are gonna be critical.
I'm sorry.
So you wouldn't suggest starting...
any new magazine subscriptions?
I'm sorry, randall.
I don't know what to say exactly...
but you've known all along how precarious this type of leukemia is.
Listen...
you'll have some good days, you'll have some bad days.
But when it becomes acute like this, our options are limited.
Would you hand me that bag?
We'll give you antibiotics to treat the infection...
pain medication to keep you comfortable.
Chemotherapy's an option, but it's very risky.
There are some experimental programs we're looking into...
but those need fd a approval.
There's my beauty.
- We'll see you in a little bit. - Call us if you need anything.
You look good.
You don't.
Come here.
Come over here. Come here.
You didn't say "simon says."
Simon says, "come here, please."
So you just knew all along.
Yeah, i did.
I'm gonna use the "fuck" word now.
I understand.
How can you do this?
How can you be sick? You can't be sick, right?
Because you would have told me you were sick, wouldn't you?
I'm sorry.
I should have told you. I didn't tell anybody.
I never even told my wife.
It was like i thought if the words didn't come out...
then maybe it wouldn't be true.
Does that make any sense?
So i'll just assume that you're gonna be okay, right?
You're not gonna be okay, and that really sucks.
'Cause for the first time ever in my whole non-perfect...
excuse of a stupid life, i really, really liked it!
I liked my life.
- You still have your life. - No, i don't.
I don't have my life because i love you so much.
Wait a second. Don't leave.
Where are you going?
If a person's on their deathbed, you have to stay and listen.
It's the hospital rule.
Come back here.
I spoke to your grandmother.
- Oh, bullshit! - No, it's not bullshit.
You taught me how to do it, and i've been doing it.
Oh, yeah? What'd she say?
She said to stop this! Stop it!
You don't understand.
You have all of these people who care about you. You have a family.
- Oh, yeah, great family. - Oh, so what?
So they're all insane. Lock them up. Who cares? At least they're here.
I wish my parents were still here.
I can't even call 'em up and say, "i hate you."
You don't know how lucky you are.
- Well, i don't feel so lucky. - You won't let yourself.
You think this is why your grandmother tries to talk to you?
Don't you think she's got better stuff to do all day...
than to get through to nobody?
You're not alone.
Who is this talking... you or grandma?
I don't know. We're both talking.
If it makes you feel better, it's mostly her.
Come here.
Come here. Sit down.
Would you just once...
do something i ask you the first time, please?
Now you close your eyes, and you listen.
Come on. Close your eyes.
Listen.
I don't hear anything.
I care about you more than anyone else in the world.
What's that?
Morphine.
Morphine. Oh, cool.
"Dear rand, i can't live with you in this house.
It's like i'm living alone. You won't talk to me or touch me.
I don't know what's going on...
but i can't live like this anymore."
Information. City and listing, please.
Albuquerque.
Sara harris, 10122 paso robles.
I'm sorry. That's an unlisted number.
Shit.
You have a cousin louise?
I'm only gonna be gone for two days.
- Okay? - Two days?
Yeah, it'll go by really fast.
I'll call you when i'm on the road...
when i get there at the wedding.
- These are chocolates for you. - Okay. Thank you.
Well, have a good time.
- Hurry back. - Okay, i will.
I will hurry back so fast.
Be careful.
- I'll call you, okay? - Put your seat belt on.
All right, so i'll see you later.
Is there something else i can get for you?
I wouldn't mind a little company.
Okay, what was i gonna say?
I was gonna say, "excuse me, mrs. Harris, i know we've never met...
and you haven't seen your husband in 19 years...
but i really think you should know that..."
oh, that's not good. Shit.
- What do you want? - Who are you?
Excuse me? Who are you?
Does sara harris live here?
You want any information, you can tell me who you are.
How's that?
My name's j. I'm a friend of her husband's.
That's interesting information. You want to come in for a coke?
Do you have a telephone and some chocolate?
How 'bout a lollipop?
So, my name is randy.
Sara was my mother.
- "Was"? - Yeah.
She was in a car accident about six months ago.
Shit.
I'm sorry. That's awful.
Thanks, twilight zone.
Now, what husband are you talking about?
She was married before. Didn't she tell you?
Yeah, i know. My father died before i was born.
Did she say anything about him?
No. She gave me a picture once.
Can i see it?
Sure.
You find out you have a dad, you're not even curious to meet him?
- Not really. - Well, he's dying.
Yeah, i know. You let me know that. And you know what?
That makes the blessed event even more enticing.
You're basically asking me...
to go meet a man who will be dead soon, right?
"Hi, dad. I'm here just in time to bury you."
- What kind of friend are you anyway? - I love him.
- What kind of love? - He's been my best friend.
Did you fuck him?
Shit.
Look, i'm a bitter asshole, okay?
I have been most of my life. I usually keep it to myself.
I've lost my mother, and now i find out i have a father...
who's alive, but he's dying.
Lot of stuff.
I'm just not sure if i have the right outfit for my debut on oprah.
Well, i'm sure i can find you something.
Where did you come from?
How did this happen?
I don't know if you're a good thing...
or the fucking plague.
Does this mean you're coming with me to meet him or what?
Yeah. You know what? I will go with you.
But i'm not talking to him...
or you.
- Fine! - Good!
You've been my nurse for such a long time...
but i don't know anything about you.
I'm a dick.
You're not a dick.
Believe me, i'm very familiar with dicks.
You are just a man who hasn't let anyone in his life...
because he knew he was sick.
Thank you.
You know, you've...
never asked me to leave...
but you never really asked me to...
shall we say, invited me to stay either.
Would you stay?
Would you ask me?
Want to come up for lunch?
Fine. I'll eat, but i'm not talking.
No, we never did it.
He's the greatest person i've ever met in my whole stupid life.
Turkey and swiss okay?
How about 20 questions?
I may not have that much time.
How about four questions?
Okay. All right. Four.
Number one:
Do you love her?
Yes.
Is it romantic love...
or is it infatuation...
with youth and spirit kind of love?
That's three questions.
Come on, i'm serious. What is it?
I don't know.
It's like a family love.
Thanks.
- How's he doing? - No change.
If he doesn't improve, they'll just send him home.
- What are you doing? - I gotta sleep.
No, no. Can you just get back on the road right now?
- Come on. - Listen, if i continue to drive...
then most probably a big truck full of some farm crap...
is gonna mow us down...
and then look at how many dead people will be in this story.
All right. Coffee.
Dude, get that away from me.
If you're not gonna drive, let me drive. Get out of the car.
- When was the last time you slept? - A few days ago, but...
exactly. So if i'm gonna meet this dad guy...
then i get some beauty sleep, all right?
Okay, listen, you selfish loser asshole.
I've got to get to r and i've got to get to r now...
and i've got to be in this car for eight torturous hours with you...
so that means we have no more pit stops, no more anything stops.
Maybe we can have one stop for a coke and a pee, and that's it.
No, no, no. Never mind.
We don't have enough time for a coke and a pee.
Maybe just a pee if you're really desperate.
Shut up, sybil. Shut up.
"Sybil"?
Yeah, you know sybil... the woman with eight home phone numbers.
It's not necessarily bad. A plethora of personalities can be enchanting.
- Fuck you. - Fuck you.
- Fuck you, all eight of you.
Don't leave me alone, please.
What?
Wake up. What's wrong?
What do you want?
Why don't you help me stay awake?
We'll play a little game, all right?
Yeah? Good.
Soda can.
All right, that was easy.
- Chocolate. - Hmm. That was good.
Shit!
What the hell?
So when was the last time you were in a serious relationship?
A long time ago. I'm not a good relationship person.
You speak for the world.
Okay, he's checked out, and they said he could spend...
whatever time he has left at home, so let's go.
You're gonna love him.
What am i doing? I cannot believe i'm doing this right now.
Well, believe it. It's your reality.
- All right, hurry up now. - Oh, my god.
I hate this fucking song!
Oh, my god.
Oh, shit.
R, i'd like to introduce you to your son.
- Son? - Son?
Son.
Dad!
- Come in. - "Come in."
You don't even know who it is, and just, "come in"?
I knew it was you.
So silicone lips doesn't knock?
I'm sorry.
I understand.
Well, i'm three quarters through the understanding stage.
But it hurts me, though. You know?
And it's not good pain.
I don't know that there ever really was good pain.
I used to think so, but i don't now.
- Ramble, ramble, ramble. - Hey, please, i get it.
Come here. Sit down.
I missed you.
Did you?
Yes, i did.
I missed you too.
It's a good thing, this missing stuff.
Thanks for the present.
- You're welcome. - What's he like?
Oh, he's kind of like you.
He's an asshole?
No, worse than that.
He's a pathetic loser asshole.
That's my boy.
So you like him.
- Are you mental? - Totally.
I've gotten down with it. I've boogied.
Okay, shaft.
Excuse me.
I hear my mother calling.
Sorry about the timing.
I don't think the first apology should be coming from you.
I wish i could have known you.
Yeah? All right.
Well, i don't do drugs.
I do.
I don't know. I failed algebra.
It's okay.
- I failed your mother. - Yeah.
She told me you were dead.
It's true. I was.
Did she ever talk about me?
No.
- Can i ask you something? - Sure.
What are we supposed to talk about?
Damned if i know.
I'm a fucking father. I don't know what to say.
I'll leave you money for therapy.
And for college. I want you to go to college.
It's really important, okay?
- Did you? - Yes.
- What did you learn?
Give me a second, i'll think of it.
What is going on with you?
What do you mean?
Well, you're just sitting here talking to me. You don't do that.
I know. I'm sorry.
Honey, what's wrong?
I'd like to be a better daughter.
Sweetie, are you pregnant?
No.
And...
and i'd like to be your friend.
I'd like to know a lot of things about you.
I know that you are...
embarrassed and ashamed of me.
Oh, baby, no, no, no. I never said that. No.
But i really, really need to talk to you...
about the things that matter to me.
Okay?
So...
- so, that was rap. - Yep.
Well, i thought it was nice.
Come on, mom. I'll show you how to talk to grandma.
- I do not know how you do this. - I'll teach you.
Well...
grandma says "hi."
Take care of r for me, grandma.
Teach him to dance.
Honey.
Should you be smoking that now?
Oh, man.
Come on. I think tonight will be fun.
Oh, "fun"?
Fun was dropping acid in the '60s.
Fun was streaking at my sister's prom.
Fun was staging a sit-in at a titty bar on sunset.
This...
this is very bad fellini we're about to enter into.
Tell me something.
Did you and j ever...
no, no. The answer is no.
- Why don't you tell me something? - Tell you what?
Tell me how you're gonna look after her when i'm gone.
I just want to let you know...
as far as dads go...
you probably would have been all right.
Probably.
So you really wanted this dinner?
Hey, i'm dying.
How bad could it be?
Excellent.
- The peas. - I love peas.
So delicious.
Tasty.
Sorry, man.
You want to dance with me?
Pre-beatle.
Oh, i love this song.
Thank you so much for this evening.
You're welcome.
You remember that promise you owe me?
I do.
Promise me when you're gone...
you'll send a message so i know you're okay.
I promise.
If you promise me your father won't touch anything.
Mrs. Benson, would you like to dance?
- Sorry. - Would you like to dance?
Sure.
I'm afraid i'm not very good.
Trippy.
Yeah.
What's up with you and the dying guy?
I only sleep with unavailable men.
The guy said, "what's the name of your act?"
I said, "the aristocrats."
Look at that.
You must feel pretty proud of yourself.
It's just one of those small but enormous things.
The aristocrats.
- Wow. - Fuckin' aristocrats.
But wait, wait, wait. Tell that other one about dave.
Oh, jesus christ.
Absolutely true story.
Okay, now.
Dude.
I'd like to propose a toast.
To all the special f words:
To friends...
family...
fate...
forgiveness...
and forever.
Thank you, honey.
Death touched her lips to say good-bye...
and to always remember the man who touched her first...
touched her with his heart.
That is forever hers.
My first mister.
A man of few words.
A life of more questions than answers.
He awoke in me my heart...
which beats stronger because of him...
and all that he has left me.
I think it's time...
i got out of the eulogy business.